I hate it when…

  1. I’m waiting to use a urinal and a barbarian comes and smashes everything.
  2. I wake up with all the snakes at the zoo.
  3. Beanie babies steal my food as I’m about to eat it.
  4. I’m changing a light bulb and then my pants suddenly just disappear.
  5. I google “awkward professor” and pictures of me with my shirt off appear.
  6. I’m reading a book and Cinderella comes into my room thinking I’m her fairy godmother.
  7. I go surfing and learn the hard way that alligators like saltwater.
  8. Somebody comes up and tries to feed my belly button to their cat.
  9. People shout out, “You stole my bacon” and I really didn’t.
  10. I’m trying to rob a bank and midgets start to throw hamsters at me.
  11. The backspace button turns out to be the button that kills another leprechaun.
  12. My armpit turns out to have its own mind and eats people’s babies.
  13. I get kidnapped by the tooth fairy.
  14. 14.   I’m in the bathroom then Peter Pan appears asking for Wendy.
  15. I talk to ants and they turn out to be sociopathic.
  16. I get gnomes confused with mosquitos and spray them with mosquito repellant that also kills gnomes.
  17. The government takes my pinky toes to sell to hoboes.
  18. The Chinese food delivery guy licks my sideburns.
  19. People beat me with sticks every time I say, “Somebody help! I’m dying.”
  20. I go deaf because a hippopotamus decided to go swimming in my ear.
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