You’re as

You’re as mean as the guy who invented swimming pools that change colors when you pee in them. Who on earth thinks of that? People pee in them all the time and everyone knows it, we don’t need to see it too! You’re so mean!
You’re as lovely as a flower. With that big head of yours. Sometimes your personality has thorns, like a rose. Don’t forget about how sometimes you smell. You’re so lovely!
You’re as cute as a baby. Nobody can understand what you’re saying. You drool all over the place. You rely on everyone else to take care of you. You’re so cute!