Homeless Person

So there’s lady who is at a max stop every time I am there. She is there both when I leave and come back. Every day. What she does is ask for money. She has an Asian accent, which I believe to be fake. Supposedly she needs money, every day, to catch the max to see her kids. Every day. She stands in the tracks of the max which is in a ditch making sure to pester people for money on both sides. She is there every day, if I haven’t said.
Over time, this lady has really… upset me. Just seeing her there bothers me. Hearing her annoys me. I know this is silly for me to be bothered by it. But she is there everyday asking for money. Yet I have never heard actually buy a ticket, even when I know she has enough. I have never seen her hop on a max.
She doesn’t look like your typical homeless person what so ever. She’s a middle aged women who I believe is possibly half of some Asian (oriental) decent. She doesn’t dress nice, but she doesn’t dress…. poor either. I know she isn’t using the money for anything good. She has extreme desperation when she asks. I have taken out my wallet and she would leave me alone even after I declined her proposal… over… annnndddddd over again… all within the same time frame.
I have many feelings about this woman. Some sad… some angry… I have witnessed her almost get hit by the MAX (Portlands mini railway system) multiple times just to ask people on the other side of the station for money we all know she won’t get. I have witnessed people run after her because she doesn’t notice the MAX. And she still constantly asks for money. Every day. Doing the same routine.
I think at first I had more pity for this woman than anything. Wishing she would just… move in life. Asking myself what happened in her life to make her think this is okay. What makes her so desperate for this money. Praying for her every time I saw her. I still do.
I have wondered about filing something, but I don’t think that would help any. I am almost certain she does drugs… Not because she seems like she’s on them… Just how desperate she is.
I always felt more bad for her than anything until I walked by her, she asked for money, I said, “no” and move on. Once I pulled out my wallet to buy a ticket… Which was a mistake that I knew was waiting to happen, she ran back up to me. Asking me over and over to spare some change. Me saying no. Over and over again. She then goes on to trying to flatter me saying “aww you handsome man. You cute” and saying as many charming words she can think of, while doing the eye lash thing cartoon woman do to make themself more “desirable”. My MAX was the next one and I had purchased my ticket waiting for it to dispense with the change. I get my ticket. She takes the change. SHE TAKES MY CHANGE. At that point I lost so much empathy towards this woman. I told her no. I let her take it and I was polite about it. But I was very annoyed. I told her no.
Since then, I have still seen her there asking for change… Several times I waited longer than needed to see if she leaves. Which was dumb because I have seen her there at different times through out the day.
Part of me wants to be Mr. Creeper and just…. follow her when she leaves for my own curiosity, but I feel thats very dangerous and well just really creepy of me. Another part really wants to file something about it. I don’t know if she would just be asked to leave. I don’t know if they would drug test her, put her into some institute, or if she would just move somewhere else and do the pity me bids.
If I see her again, I might just come with a bus pass in hand for her and see if she actually uses it. I might even confront her about seeing her their everyday asking her what she does with the money she receives. Whether its booze, drugs, or to feed some secret child, I have no idea.
I still continue to pray for her… and who knows, maybe the day I don’t see her there I’ll start to miss her. I guess I just wanted to say to people… there are some desperate people. It’s never cool to lose your temper… So be as kind as possible. I don’t know what the best option is to confront these people with… or if you should at all. I have also read articles about t “millionaire beggars” whether that title is an exaggeration or not, I am not sure, but it certainly leaves me skeptic. I guess really I just want to send positive thoughts and prayers to these people.

My biggest regret

So this is probably the most personal thing I am going to say on this blog… But I am going to talk about my biggest regret. And it may seem small but out of a hundred other big regrets, this one beats it.

In my life I have failed classes. I am 21 and can’t drive. I have said very mean things to people and I for a while acted like I was better than everyone else (doesn’t everyone in high school?) I didn’t take what classes I took in college seriously spending lots of money for no reason… And, well, I am full of things that I wish I could have fixed and full of things that I could have prevented from happening. None of these are my biggest regret.

As silly as this sounds my biggest regret is saying stuff like, “I am not looking for a relationship, I am waiting.” Or the more recent thing, “I am just looking for friendship. I don’t think now’s the time to have a relationship for me.”
The one thing along those lines was when I sincerely liked someone. I don’t want to go into full detail but this person, I know this, was very interested in me at first. I was also very interested in this person as well. But I had to say “I don’t think now’s the time to have a relationship.” That is my biggest regret.
Over time I liked this person more and more. It ended coming to a point where I actually said how much I like them. They made it seem mutual but… well lets just say nothing happened except leaving me in the worse state of life I have ever experienced.
This person now has a BF which was also heart breaking when it happened… especially how soon it had happened after the incident.
The reason why I regret this is because now I realize its never really a bad time for a relationship… I mean certain circumstances I will say no you shouldn’t (like just breaking up with someone or a heartbreak… or you’re drunk) but if you like someone and they are going to take care of you and they are safe and they have mutual feelings, JUMP ON THAT! Even if it doesn’t work out, I think it would be worth it.
I’ve learned a lot about relationships. Though I haven’t been in a full one myself. I’ve learned that you work together. If its not a time to have one because you need to focus on like school or getting a job or something… Looking at it now, that’s silly. Why do it alone? If anything you would have a cheer leader for you. Love is more than money. Love is… Love is… the most valuable thing humans have.

Ambition

I think about my future a lot. People ask me about my career focus a lot. Honestly I don’t really have much of one. I guess to me its just silly. I sometimes worry people think I have no ambition, making me nervous to date, and things of that nature… But ambition is much more than a career. I have been called out for having no ambition… This is why I disagree.
I will admit I don’t have much ambition for a career assuming you mean I don’t have a specific plan that probably won’t even happen anyway (I know the cynicism isn’t helping)… Honestly, I don’t care what happens. As long as I make money and I am happy… But work ambitions is such a small thing when it comes to everything else.
I am probably one of the most ambitious people in other area’s.
I can’t picture myself not raising a family…. I want kids. I have names planned out for kids. I know I would be one of the best boyfriends-husbands one could have… I don’t know I would make much money, but I can promise I will make you happy. I know I would be an amazing father. I know I am very patient, especially with kids, I am creative, and I am good at helping kids understand lessons.
I have ambitions to travel. I will admit I want to have someone special to travel with… that could even just be a good friend. I will not die until I have gone off of this continent at least once. I don’t think its physically possible.
I understand money is important for these ambitions… But honestly I can be a frugal person. I don’t need much. Food, friends, a place to say… preferably a place I can walk to places… I am set and happy. I’m pretty easy to please.
I don’t know that apathetic is the right word to describe myself. Though I honestly don’t care what happens. I don’t mean that in a negative way, I say it understand that I will probably be happy with any outcomes… If not I will find a way to make it work. Sometimes I wonder if I am too laid back about stuff. I like taking things slow. Maybe it might really bite me. But I guess as long as I am happy… Well that’s that… I am happy.
I guess I am saying this because I can get a little hurt when people point out that I don’t seem to have ambition… I think they just don’t really understand me though. I’m laid back and do have a tough skin, but I am not super man.

Stay Tuned….. (2)

So this is my second stay tuned, where I am going to bullet future posts!

  • I talk about my ambitions
  • My biggest regret…. Uh oh
  • Homeless Person

I might come back and link these after I post them… And will probably try to link this in other posts so you can have it to come back to if you want. I don’t want to share too much on “Stay Tuned” and am thinking it will be a monthly thing (Assuming I don’t go off track from my commitment)
Sorry about not having an earlier stay tuned… I have other posts you all should check out.

Relationships

Okay so here’s what I have to say about relationships.
First, I REALLY want to be in one. I feel (and I have been told by others) I am designed to be a family guy and I think I would be quite romantic and would make someone very happy… But I am being patient.
Second… I don’t get certain kinds of relationships. I saw this girl who was doing her hair on the bus and her boyfriend tapped her shoulder to tell her something. She goes on saying “why’d you do that my hair looks horrible” and goes on hitting him. And I see these kinds of things happen all the time in couples where they over react to silly things like this. And I don’t get why the person is dating them still. Yeah you might “love them” but sometimes a mutual heartbreak is essential for future happiness. You can’t change a person easily. And if you do want to stay together, I don’t get why you don’t just talk about it.
I also don’t get why people don’t communicate… And when you do they apparently don’t like that you’re trying to talk to them about important stuff. Honesty is important. If you get mad they aren’t honest then don’t get mad when they are… But I don’t really understand anger to be honest with you. When I watch movies where they have a fight over communicating and stuff I am always just thinking “why can’t you just be honest with each other and be happy about it. Not rude though just honest. The happier couples always seem to be more open with each other and do it in kind ways.
I also don’t get why they talk bad about their partner. Do you love them? Then why do you complain about everything they do? I would be very hurt if I knew my partner, someone I love, talked badly about me. Why can’t we just say positive things and again, if you’ve got a problem, go back to the being honest in a kind way but in a private place. Public its aggressive and also puts them in an awkward position, which you probably know it does hence why you do it in public.
Another thing, I love seeing people post cheesy pictures on facebook…. I don’t like large amounts of PDA, but if they’re like just kissing or holding hands and post a picture, thats cute and lets people know you actually do love each other and leaves friends worrying about your significant other. I don’t get why people get upset about it. Do you have issues so much that you are willing to let someone else’s life effect you in such a negative way? Once I get serious (and I mean serious) I will post stuff saying that I think they are beautiful and wonderful!
And as for large amounts of PDA…. making out hard in a hall full of people is not cute nor romantic, unless you might not see them again after that moment.
Anyway, maybe I am just way inexperience but I guess this is just how an observer on the side see’s things… I might be arrogant but I am excited to see who I find so I can show them off and prove you don’t need to have such an aggressive relationship with your partner. I might break up with a person, but who know’s?